Sometimes I don't think I'll ever get there, wherever "there" is. Intention, will and opportunity have never coincided before, why should they start now? Whatever light there is at the end of the tunnel flees and dissipates before me, racing ahead at least twice as fast as I'm able to schlumpf along behind. Sometimes everything is crystal clear and I know exactly what I want. Other times -- most of the time -- it's just this vague dimly shining delusion like some drifting high feathery cloud, unreachable, nebulous, vanishing.

It all seems so very far away. The life I want -- and I don't even know what I want. I don't even know where to look or who to talk to to figure out what I want. I just want to work for the good guys. I'm nothing special. I'm just someone who can sometimes put subjects and verbs together in a sensible fashion.

My entire life has been nothing but failure upon failure. It will not get any better. Sometimes I honestly don't see any point in going on.