Sometimes one must sit oneself down and give oneself a talking to.

I've been re-reading some stuff I wrote during moments in my life when I was most hopeful and knew what I was doing and where I was going. It's good to remind oneself of what your real purpose in life is.

What is it, exactly, that I would spend my days doing for no monetary compensation at all ? What are the things I like to think about the most? What are those things in the world that most plague me and most intrigue me?

Robots, artificial intelligence, aliens, spaceships, gadgetry, futurist research, dark futures, bright futures, the early Unites States space program, nanotechnology, artificial life, love, fear, trust, death, disembodied voices, friendly ghosts, big space battles, cyborgs, robot battle suits, building worlds and playing god.

So I look at all this and I ask myself -- why am I torturing myself with all this hulabaloo about trying to be a scientist? This is the stuff I love. Why am I trying to stuff myself into someone else's cookie cutter again? Haven't I driven off that bridge enough already?

I'm not sure where one would go to learn about the things listed above (outside of sitting down with the last twenty years of PopSci, Discover and Scientific American), but there's got to be a way to train to be a science-fiction writer AND learn something of use to NASA at the same time. Why should I have to give up the dream I've spent countless hours and literally millions of words to build?

I love science, yes. But I just don't have the temperment to BE a scientist myself. What I'm most comfortable doing is seeing what the scientists have found and saying, "Okay, now what can you do with that?" I guess in a sense it's to see the big picture of it all. And to figure out where it might go.

If trends in nanotechnology and artificial intelligence and computers go as many people are predicting, I'll have plenty of time for three or four different careers. People aren't just staying in one line of work for their whole life anymore. If things go as predicted, I'll be uploaded into a computer at some point anyway, merge with a sentient artificial intelligence and become effectively immortal. So if things go as predicted I'll live forever and make it into space no matter how long it takes. I'll have time to learn whatever I want. So again, why try to force myself to someone else's mold?

So the real problem here is, given the list above, what kind of course of study do I do to learn about all this stuff? I still want to work for NASA -- I just want to do what I do best. I'd be a lousy scientist. I don't have the discipline for it. The trick is to do what you love and find a way to get someone to pay you for it.

Sometimes this whole flying without a net thing is for the birds.