Okay, kids, this one's kind of long and convoluted so get a drink and keep reading.

A few days ago I listened to my audiobook about Carl Jung again at work and once more lamented my meager dream life. Normally it's a pretty special night when I can remember a dream of any consequence, though to be fair when I do they're doozies. I've even sometimes used images I've dreamed in stories (one example being part of Lucien's battle with "himself" in Avalon when he's gone to retrieve the false Grail, which was a sort of paraphrase of a dream I had once; another was the thing without a head in my story "Khamaira's Journey"). Anyway, I don't often have really good juicy involved dreams, and as that's part and parcel of Jungian analysis I figure I'm up the creek without a poodle.

But anyway, I was listening to the audiobook and suddenly it occured to me that I could use the characters from my stories over the years in the same way one analysizes dreams. When characters "take over" and start acting on their own without conscious direction, they are usually acting out of the Unconscious mind. This is where the mythic aspects of stories come in, all of that. I've known for a long time that these characters are some important part of me. They mean something to me, they embody something of me. They're never the protagonist. But they're usually the characters I most enjoy writing, and the ones I have "relationships" with. After a fashion, anyway.

In the Jung audiobook they explain that the Jungian archetype of the anima / animus represents not only the opposite gender aspects of a person but the person's true self. So I wondered if I compared all these characters and came up with what's common in them all, I'd have a picture of my true self. The me that will be, the me that already exists somewhere in my head, that comes out as my characters.

So I sat down and thought about it, and here's what I came up with.

The characters I used for this are:

• Zyme -- from my actual first first novel, way back in 1992.
• Inda -- from my Jedi soap opera, The Way of the Mystics, 1999.
• Pepper -- from Machina Obscura and Aquaria, 2001 to 2004.
• Myrdwyn -- from The Fall of Avalon, 2005-7.
• Trouble -- from the Zulu-5 stories, 2007-8

The commonalities between all these are:

• They're all some kind of teacher, whether formally or in the role of "wise old man". Zyme is a Master Wizard, Inda is a Jedi Master, Pepper is always telling stories and teaching by example, Myrdwyn teaches Arthur, Lucien and anyone who'll listen to him. Trouble is a bit of an odd duck in that I couldn't figure out what he's teaching or who, but he's sort of a Pepper-in-Training.
• Indeterminate age, or a marked difference between actual and perceived age. Zyme was immortal and at least 175 years old. Inda was ageless as he was a ghost and one with the Force. Pepper was in his mid-70's and looked it, but was actually middle-aged for his day and time. Myrdwyn was possibly thousands of years old. And Trouble is 47 but you can't tell since he's a cyborg and age is pretty much meaningless to him now and he acts about 12 most of the time.
• They're all singular people, loners, in one way or another.
• They're all trailblazers, explorers, and make their own path in life. Zyme was constantly experimenting and pushing the boundaries of magic. Inda was a heretic who was exiled for teaching his heresies. Pepper questioned authority and looked through antique telescopes and found that history wasn't what he thought it was. Myrdwyn was half-Fey and the prime architect of Avalon. Trouble is a crusader for cyborg rights and wants to lead his people to Saturn, in between fighting the Evil Empire to save his world.
• They're all creators, makers, and innovators.
• They tend to hide their true selves even from those close to them until they are certain of their loyalty. They're always holding something back and keeping secrets.

So apparently the shape of my true self?

Is an ageless shapeshifter, a teacher-explorer-creator who walks a lone path that no one else has ever walked. A kind of wise man, maybe a shaman-like figure, following his own unseen stars, his own conviction.

They don't all look alike except for long hair (Zyme, Inda, Pepper and Myrdwyn) and they're all tall (Inda being the shortest at about 6 feet even, T the tallest at 7 and a half feet). Magic and technology are both involved (Zyme and Myrdwyn are mages, Inda is a Jedi, Pepper came from the techno-Utopia of 2230 and Trouble is a cyborg).

And yet all of these are one person, one entity. This is the me outside of time, the male me.

I don't want to use words like "soulmate" since I've rejected the whole idea, but... let's just say I hope I never find anybody who fits this archetype in the real world, because I'd be helpless against it. I already know that's a lost cause, and I'd still get sucked in. The Jungian ideal is to integrate the animus that's in your head. The whole "Great Rite" thing in paganism? You're not performing the Rite with another person -- you're performing it with your anima or animus, the other person you're actually having sex with is meant as a form you can project your anima / animus into. They're like a living voodoo doll for your animus / anima. The Rite is the pagan ritual of Jungian integration with the Self.

So in essence, my soulmate is within me. He's been with me all along. Since about 1986, when I first came up with Zyme. He just reincarnates, as it were, everytime I get involved with another story. And shows himself everytime some other guy catches my eye and mind, since it's his qualities I'm attracted to. Tony Stark is a loner-creator, creating his path as he goes along, so brilliant that not even the engineers of his own company can follow what he's doing. The places they go don't have to be real but metaphorical. New lands of thought, science, the mind, the spirit.

This Self is what I am in the process of becoming.


The whole thing really kind of wigs me out.