Welcome to the land of strange dilemmas.
Can hardly make myself type this.
In World of Warcraft, I'm in a guild called Natural Onslaught. Our leader is I think a teenager, or maybe early 20's, in real life. Here I am, frumpy dumpy 41 year old. We both play Gnomes. His toon is an 80th level Rogue. One of mine is a 27th level Mage. In the WoW fanfic I've been writing I've turned his toon's name as Kill Mechaswarm. I have no other phrase to describe it, we seem to be sweet on each other. We've sat watching the noobs duel each other in Goldshire, I've gotten Ancasta naked and danced with him. We chased off a Horde tonight and chased each other on our mechanostriders.
Just when I had gotten my head around losing count of the years alone, that it didn't matter anymore...
I don't know what to think. It's disturbing. And sad. That I can do this in a virtual world where I'm 2 feet tall, redheaded, and capable in ways I can never be in real life. I feel more myself as Ancasta. But she's a mask too. So is Owl. They let me be aspects of me I'm not here in real life, but they present images to the world that aren't me as well.
I like hanging out with Kill. I just don't want it to go too far. I don't want him to ask to meet me in real life. I'd rather have the sweet virtual puppy love than see some kid's eyes go dead the moment he sees me. I've seen it all before, I don't want to go through it again.
It makes me feel old. And like life has passed me by and that future I've always looked to now belongs to the kids behind me, and never me. All my chances are done with, and happily ever after has burst like a bubble.
1 comment:
Been thinking about this a bit. I think you are both dealing with personae and you'll have to look at it from that perspective. You don't really know anymore about Kill than he does about you. I think social media (in various forms) is both a blessing and a curse. It's a blessing because you can really open up and be able to express ideas and opinions you aren't able to in the 'real' world. OTOH, it makes it sometimes difficult for people to meet each other for real. In this crazy mixed-up world we sometimes have to pull joy into us from the things, places and people we are around, whether they are real or virtual. I'm not really to the 'I feel old' phase yet. I turn 35 this Friday. My hair is turning gray right at my temples. I'm taking joy in it because we can never go back. We can only go forward. As for the game relationship, just watch carefully. Be aware and if something /does/ make you feel uncomfortable, then let him know just as you would another adult. I have a 14yo son who plays and I'd say the same to him. It's a virtual fantasy world with a wide age range and those who play should be able to deal with all kinds of conversations/situations. It sounds to me more like you are just in a slump. This is not the usual you that I see. Everyone feels lonely at times. It's easy to fall into a fantasy world. Believe me, I'd move to one of Miyazaki's fantasy worlds in a heartbeat! So don't feel too badly about it all. Just drink in the joy you get from the game and the companion in the game and be aware. Just my opinion.
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