Neither fish nor fowl nor good red herring.

What am I? Confused, mostly.

Well, heck, it's not like I haven't already done the difficult bits. But for those of you who haven't heard this particular story here's the Reader's Digest version. In the last couple of years my mother has really gotten into the religion thing. Her favorite thing to boast about now is that she's read through the entire Bible twice so far (and is probably working on the third time now, I think). She's really gotten into this. This has been odd and worrisome for me in that previously (read my whole life up until that point) she had shown little interest in this kind of thing. I gew up pretty much unencumbered by parental concerns about religions, morality, etc. But now she's into all that. Whatever floats one's boat, y'know? I figured out my own way of doing things, went against the statistics and I happen to think I turned out a pretty good egg.

Okay, so, a couple months ago I told my mom I write "slash" fan-fiction... and that "slash" means the characters are involved in a homosexual relationship... and taking a deep breath admitted that if it turns out that I should find that the person I fall for next happens to be female, it wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

In so many words, I'm bisexual in principle if not in practice. In practice I've been celibate for almost 7 1/2 years now.

Being celibate gives you a rare perspective on the entire deal. I, for one, have realized that the whole sex thing is incidental in the larger picture. Not like I don't know what to do, mechanics-wise. I do happen to be female myself, and after almost 35 years I think I can do pretty well on theory. To be honest it isn't the sex part of it I miss anymore. But the being alone... that's the real bitch.

7 1/2 years of eating alone, of endless nights spent reading and writing and staring at the walls, of listening to yourself repeating your own jokes, of wondering if anything will ever make living something more than just an exercise in survival and futility... it gets really damned old. You get to thinking you're not human anymore, and that the people around you are just holograms, untouchable, just shadow and illusion. Two dimensional, like pictures in a book or images on a TV.

With a few notable exceptions, this is my life.

Trust me, kids, I'm seeing it from the outside. If you have a choice between having a relationship with someone where you understand each other down to the ground but you never have sex, or just a body that's willing and able anytime you are with no strings and no emotional attachment, take the relationship without sex. I don't care what you think, you can live without sex. If you have the chance to love someone with all you are, don't hesitate. Just do it. It's too rare in this crazy universe and you won't get a second chance.

A few years ago I realized that if you took out the factor of gender there really wasn't any substantive difference between "best friend" and "lover". In some cases a best friend knows you far better than the person you sleep with. We've all had lifelong best friends who could finish our sentences, who knew our life stories, all the sordid details and myriad regrets and crazy dreams. We've probably all had boyfriends or girlfrinds who never got anywhere near that. So what does it ultimately matter?

So the upshot of it all is that I'm bisexual.

For all the good it does me.

And no, it hasn't doubled my prospects for a date. Zero multiplied by two is still zero.

I'm still alone. Still going to be alone for the foreseeable future. Still going to be waking up every morning wondering which alien species left me here as a child and how I can hitch a ride back to whatever planet I'm from.

In my more optimistic moments I tell myself things will get better someday. When I'm published, going to cons, meeting people. All I need is to get out more, get a life, make friends. That there's got to be people out there who's eyes won't glaze over when I start talking about spaceships and Mars.

I gotta hope it happens someday. Or else this really is just an exercise in futility.

Anyway, that's what I am. As Xyl once said, "If you don't like it, change the channel."