I'm contemplating the pointlessness of life again so if you're looking for fun and happy fluff this ain't the place.


For one thing I'm angry yet again that when I went to the emergency room a few weeks ago I went because there was something wrong with my eye. I went to the eye doctor, I got new glasses, but the problem? Is still here. If I hold my left eye closed and look only through the right one, there's a fragging nearly opaque dark half-circle across the left side of my right eye's visual field, nearly to the center of focus. When both eyes are open it distorts anything I'm trying to focus on right in front of me. Reading anything on a computer screen becomes a real trial considering most sites no longer respond to upping the text size on the browser. Fan-ficcers seem to delight in the smallest text sizes imaginable. Which is why I almost always do this one in LARGE. Because I CAN READ IT.

Note to the slash community: You want people to read your stuff? Make sure they can actually READ IT.

Grr....

Why do you have to be 37 years old to think of these things?

I did, however, find a lovely SGA fan video with a beautiful song which I am about to get on Itunes. "Beautiful" in this case in that it makes me miss all the things I once thought I had and will never have again. Hence the whole contemplating the pointlessness of my universe thing. All the unintelligible social complexities that I just don't understand but which are vitally important to maintaining sanity. All the stuff which everyone else just does without having to think. It all comes easily to everyone else. I know enough to know I can't do it and none of it is anybody's fault so I can't get angry about it. But I do. I get angry and resentful and instead of just going on with my life and finding other things to do I just stop talking and stop trying to interact at all. There's just no point in it.

People say just go on with your life and find other things to do, but they're all saying that from the perspective of socially well-adjusted normalcy. The cosmologists think we won't see the Milky Way from the void beyond its bounds for several thousand years yet, but I know what it feels like already. Cold and empty, with lights all around you that you haven't a prayer of reaching for all eternity. It goes on for millions of lightyears and you'll die before any signal gets far enough to be heard.

I've lived as I've wanted to live but it appears that it hasn't gotten me anywhere more and probably less than if I'd stayed with James and never met JJ.

Living outside the box and off the beaten track doesn't really get you any further in life, you just end up in a different place. Not neccessarily a better place.

I'm about to publish my third book, the book that in some ways holds more of me in it than anything else I've written, and I don't feel anything for it. I'm just empty. Why aren't I feeling anything?

I sat next to the CGaW for over two hours yesterday and even some public groping didn't do anything for me. He even smile at me. He's still adorable. He's still the black-haired elf type that usually gets this Pavlovian response from me. Why didn't I feel anything?

There's girls at work I think are cute but nothing beyond the sheer cursory acknowledgement that they have nice bodies, nicely formed rear ends and pretty hair. But it's remote and distant. Why?

Why don't I care about anything anymore?