An update on things going right or nearly so in my world:

• Nominated for Parsecs.
• Working on 5th (?!) Zulu-5 Story
• 11 babies outside my back door! From 2 litters born several weeks apart.
• Figured out how to put map files in Open Arena
• Have lost 66 Lbs.

Caveats to above:

• "OMG, I could have sent a better submission! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!"
• "Working" on the 5th Z5 Story means sitting at my desk in the Temple writing out the jumbled mass of scenes in my head one to an index card with the intent to somehow make some kind of outline of them, and wondering how the frell am I going to turn this goopy mass of aimlessness into a coherent story.
• 11 Babies means 18 lb. bags of cat food every week, and realizing I needed to get automatic feeders for DragonCon, and spending $100 at PetSmart. Then the smallest give me the most disgusted look when I put the 3 gallon water tank out for them as if to say, "You expect me to drink from THAT?"
• Sure, I've got new maps for OA... and now the sound has gone out on the laptop.
• Have lost 66 lbs but my metabolism has adjusted by slowing my heart rate by at least an average of 10 beats/minute. So I will have to begin exercising to keep the metabolism up to burn off the remaining 40 lbs. Grrrr....

Other than that, the Stargate guy I met at LibertyCon sent me a nice e-mail saying he was starting to read the print-outs of the stories I gave him, so hey... one of them is "Wings of Icarus", tho, and I've warned him at least twice that it's slash, so if he sends me a disgusted e-mail re "Jack and Daniel SLEEPING TOGETHER?! WTF?!" he was warned. If he gets through that without squicking, then I have no fears for the copy of "Seeds of Invasion" I put in with it. 'Nuff said.

Well. I'm sitting here doing this while I let my lunch go down before I go to the gym. (bangs head against keyboard)

So much for being a professional lazy slob.

First, a very good article regarding being an Introvert.

And yes, I am an Introvert. By the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, I am an INFJ. It's said to be the rarest of the Myers-Briggs types, accounting for only about 3% of the population.


In other news, I've been nominated for the Parsec Awards for my podcast. This means I have to go to DragonCon. I probably won't win, but hey, networking.

I finally settled on "Seeds of Invasion" for a title for the 3rd Z5 story. Maybe not the best, but it fits. I'll get used to it.

Got Part 1 of 3 posted tonight. Oy!

In the latest ep of "I Should Be Writing", Mur was interviewing Jared Axelrod. In the course of the interview they talked about feedback to podcasts and confirmed that it's not just AAP that goes over like a lead balloon with regards to feedback. I believe the ratio was something like 1 in 1000, or possibly 1 in 400. So that helps. I simply must be content with the slowly rising numbers of my audience, and learn to expect no other feedback. It's like you can hear the crickets chirping, being a podcaster. Yes, I really am just talking to myself.

Still, it does nothing for one's level of motivation. Lack of fan mail is still lack of fan mail, whether one refers to fanfic or origfic.

So despite spending several weeks now trying to come up with some kind of outline and the gumption to write on the next Z5 story, I'm stuck again. It's DOA at the moment. And I have nothing to podcast again. But since I have no feedback or indeed any reaction, it gives the appearance that no one cares. Oh well.

For lack of anything better to do, I started piddling around with Danger getting a new body, or rather getting a used body since they can't afford to get him a new one. I barely have any motivation to work on that and will probably abandon it.


You'd think being on St. Johns Wort, B Vitamin supplements and an herbal anti-anxiety mixture, I wouldn't be feeling this empty and depressed. All it seems to do is make my mind clear enough to be fully immersed in the misery. Should I give up and try yet again to go to a shrink? Even though a myriad of experiences have shown me even shrinks don't understand and cannot help me? What can they really do to change my life? Not a damned thing. They sit and nod like bobbleheads, then give you a prescription for anti-depressants to turn you into a zombie, and instead of helping they screw you up even more. Most of them freak out like you're cutting their throats if you tell them you're on St. Johns Wort and quite happy with it, thanks ever so much. Afraid of losing their kickbacks from the pharmaceutical companies, most like. Or they try to convince you St. Johns Wort is toxic or something.

Which would be my cue to leave, since I've been taking the stuff for years and it's worked better than 80mgs of Paxil ever did.


For the most part my mood is stable. I can tell the St.john's Wort, et. al., is working. But yet I still exhibit symptoms of clinical depression. Withdrawal. Feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness. Losing interest in things I was formerly interested in. Loneliness. Anger and resentment. I've been getting increasingly isolated over these last couple of years, not that I was a social butterfly before but it's getting profound now. Partly that's everyone I knew getting their own lives. But mostly it's me, I guess. Every time I open my mouth in front of anybody these days I end up embarassing myself or alienating myself or insulting somebody. And in a few cases it's turned into downright hatred on my part. I refuse categorically to take part in any relationship that I view as unhealthy to my mental well-being. I had ten years of that and whatever progress I've made emotionally and spiritually is due to learning when somebody is screwing with my head. So everyone else has gotten married or gotten involved, and I'm the last one standing. Eleven years on my way to a lifetime of celibacy, chunking down that track toward "bitter and weird old woman in the shack on the hill."

That's my mom's gig. I don't want to be that.

But there doesn't seem to be any way to avoid it. What am I gonna do, kidnap somebody and keep them locked up until they like me, like Stephen King's "Misery"? That's undue influence on the choices of another sentient being, and as a Jedi I don't do that. You can't force (or Force) somebody to like you.

I remember back in my pagan days I used to cast the Tarot for myself a lot and every time -- I am not kidding, literally every reading I did -- had the Hanged Man in it. Every single reading. The Hanged Man. I got to where I HATED that card. With a passion. I still hate it, because it's turned into my life.

I don't want to spend my entire life marking time. What is the point of living a life in suspension? There is no point to it if you're not making progress. If you're not producing works that will live beyond you, or at least learning something. It's a waste of energy, mass and time to live otherwise. I'll end up warehoused in a nursing home somewhere, drooling and senile, with the staff sticking me in a corner to rot while they burn through my retirement accounts. I'll have lived for nothing.


In other news, I'm considering moving this blog to WordPress. More news as events warrant.

Did the music intro for Tantalus and Sweet Charity last night, and recorded and edited the first part of the 'cast. Looks like it's going to be in two long podcasts, first act in #1 and second and third acts in #2. Will also do a Monomyth structure analysis in an Extra afterward.

Have not begun to do print version, tempted not to but know I should.

Well, I think I've reached final form for "Tantalus".

I can't exactly tell since I have no "first readers" to tell me if something is glaringly obvious, nor do I have a critique group willing to read through the whole thing.

Over the last couple of years I've lost literally all my friends to one reason or another, and while the ISBW forum is okay no one really goes into depth there. So I've edited it as much as I know how, but I'm not a professional editor. It's kind of hard to get any perspective and distance on it when you're basically talking to yourself.


The Grand List of Social Failure
as of February 20, 2008

Friend who I went to high school with who has known me over twenty years -- lost her job at the bookstore in the mall, I don't have her phone number any longer as it was on my cellphone that was stolen, and I have no idea where she is. She, however, has my phone number and never calls me. Count that one as
"lost contact".

Friend who moved to Atlanta and got married. New hubby doesn't like me. Haven't spoken or heard from her in about 2 1/2 years.

Scout Who Walks in Concrete Moccassins got married, but we weren't speaking anyway since I really don't appreciate being the one you only call when you're drunk, bored, and you know I'm the only one awake at that time of night. No loss there.

Comedy Friend left the place where we work and got another job, and now I don't hear from him but once in a blue moon. But to be honest I guess I'm not much on the friendly side there either. I don't jump into bed with people unless I want to, not because they're desperate. I'm not a kid anymore. I drove off that bridge a couple times already and I don't like being thought of as a slut.

Other person who used to be fairly important to me, but now has a new girlfriend and avoids me.

The CGAW, the Cute Guy at Work left the Post Awful quite some time ago, so no more eye candy. Alas.

Boo disappeared.

And that's about it.

I have several acquaintences at work who by sheer dint of us working together all these years I guess you might consider friends, but it's not like I'm at their houses or having lunch with them. Most of them I have a hard time remembering their names. I don't really know them at all.

So I guess I could spend $600 and send "Tantalus" to Christopher Vogler's story consulting operation, but that seems kind of extreme for a 36 page story.

Or just say the heck with it, it's as done as I can make it, and go ahead and podcast it. Just accept it's not as good as it could be, swallow my damned pride and just do it. Despite my determination to not release material that isn't in the best shape it can be in.

*sigh*

Have finished the first draft of "Tantalus and Sweet Charity", my second Zulu-5 story. 24k words. Finshed 2/9/2008 at about 10:30 PM.

Hiatus will be over this coming Sunday!!!!

AVALON COMETH!!!


It'll be good to get back under the headset, though I'm having trouble doing a good intro. The problem is that there's supposed to be a way to convert a sample from one sample rate to another but damned if I can find it. That would make things ever so much simpler. I do the 'cast in 11025 but it seems like every other .wav I find that I want to use is at 16000. Grr..... Audacity is so helpful. Really.

Ah the fine art of tricking out one's blog sites. The AAP page is festooned with widgets like a mangy dog with ticks. Go there and hit the Pop button to vote for the podcast, which is a way of promoting the podcast through a website called PopCurrent. What the heck, why not?

Outside of that, what I've done in the last couple of weeks on my days off is:

• Pruned the bush near my front door so I'm not walking through a tunnel of greenery
• Cleaned up the so-called "dining room" by packing up my telescope stuff in their box, moving the books back into the Temple and packing them neatly in storage bins
• Cleaned up the living room for the most part by buying even more storabe bins for all the books, throwing out old school notebooks, etc.
• Moved the old keyboard and monitor off the desk here and cleaned up the desk somewhat.
• Found out the reason my vacuum cleaner doesn't work is because the belt is broken what moves the roller. New vacuum cleaner is in my future.
• Got the CH/A its yearly check up about two years late, which is actually pretty good considering it's me. It might have taken me another five years.

Have also:

• Seriously debated signing up with an online therapist.
• Not gotten any work done on Telaon.
• Tried to post the questions regarding my writer's block on the ISBW forums and got various answers of "it'll pass" to "Just Snap Out Of It!"
• Went to Green Life and yet again felt like the cashiers looked down their nose at me. This keeps up, I'm switching to Fresh Market for my organic Roma tomatoes and low-sodium stir-fry sauce and jar candles.
• Wondered if my old EBookMan could be made workable again when I found it during the excavation of the living room.
• Watched the entire 6 hours of "The Power of Myth" while cleaning up the living room.

I'm actually quite proud of the latest pondering on Show #24 of my podcast. Considering I did it completely off the top of my head with no notes or even a clue what I was going to say beforehand, it's damned coherent.

Even if I did call it the wrong show number.

And I did a new intro montage.


Contemplating Balticon, where many of the podcasting and sci-fi and ISBW crowd congregate. Only problem: it's at the end of May. But as I am contemplating going as a simple fan (and take a few books with me should anyone want copies), it may be doable.


Also had a couple of good ideas for stories which seem to want to go together. Will require further thinking.

Well, my cousin Dave is now safely married.

I went to the wedding despite being sick, but I've been mainlining zinc gluconate lozenges and sinus tablets and even went to the doctor Friday morning for preemptive antibiotics to prevent it from becoming either strep throat or a sinus infection. So far it's still just a cold but it's annoying as hell -- I haven't been able to sleep more than five or six hours a night because I wake up in the middle of the night with a sore throat that won't quit no matter what I do. Last night I was standing naked in my kitchen at 4 AM, microwaving half a cup of water with salt in it for gargling. That seemed to help, since I was able to get a couple more hours sleep afterward. Otherwise with the 24 hr. Sudafed I'm getting the attacks of the crackhead itchies every two or three hours from the pseudoephedrine. That should be fun tomorrow at work.

Did a podcast on POD the other day, the longest podcast I've ever done at about 1 hr 20 mins. In addition to the week's chapter of MO.

Other than all that, I've just been sick and trying to get better these last few days. Oy.

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Up to Show #12 on the podcast.

Up to about 3 dozen subscribers now.

No word from ChattaCon tho I sent an e-mail last week asking if my registration and table fee got there all right. They haven't e-mailed me back and the check hasn't processed. Hmmm... no one updates the website either. I'm going to go ask on the ChattaCon LJ and see if I can get a response that way.

Must go do laundry. Oy.

Updates:

Yes, I'm still doing the podcast and I've got it down to a fairly efficient format now. Just uploaded #9 this past Sunday. I do them on Sunday nights, no particular reason it's Sunday but it's become the tradition. I'll be doing an excerpt from Aquaria soon as well.

I await word from my distributor and ChattaCon, but anticipate no problems.

The day job: it looks like I'm going to be converted to a full career soon, via the good auspices of the Union taking a grievance all the way to arbitration and winning. It may mean I get to spend Christmas with the family, if they get all this done the way they say. Date for this: Dec. 18 or 20, depending on who you ask. Also means a consistent 40 hr. week, two days off a week, and a set schedule. You know your life is hell when you're looking forward to being given things other people assume as a given at any normal job.

I am contemplating trying to do something with the Robot Adoption story bit. Something. I've got to do something.

Must dash, time for work.